Speaking of asking the wrong questions...

So I just realized that even though I'm writing these in chronological order, since I'm dumping them all at once you're probably reading them backwards. Anyway, speaking of Lemony Snicket, I read When Did You See Her Last? All I can say is I hope that this isn't a trilogy. It is, however, #2 of the All the Wrong Questions series.

So this is a book about kids, I guess. And it has cute illustrations, and the author's pen name is whimsical. But doggonit if it isn't a good piece of literature anyway. I liked the Series of Unfortunate Events series, and have been known to say that it's a good primer for learning to read seriously both for the young'uns and the beach page-turner only adult crowd. I mean that by reading those books you can learn how to read harder books and have fun doing it. It's like a college lit class but without all of the dichotomy talk and girls with crushes on the sad professor who wishes he were a writer. You know, like if he had a blog that received upwards of 25 views per post like me.

The series has its share of missteps, though, and by the end I was a little sick of Snicket's mannerisms, so it was with a little trepidation that I started into the All the Wrong Questions books. I was intrigued by the premise that they were an homage to the detective novels of the 30s and then I was like sure.

Now I've read a lot of books of that era (one is coming soon, so FUN!) and then I've read a lot of books trying to capture that same mood and feel to varying degrees of success. I've mentioned a couple who I think nail it. But dangit if Snicket doesn't blow them all out of the water.

"He looked like the kind of person who would tell you that he did not have an umbrella to lend you when he actually had several and simply wanted to see you get soaked."

"It was the color of someone buying you an ice cream cone for no reason at all."

And this one. Holy crap, people. I mean are you seriously reading this right now? Was I seriously reading it? Am I typing it? I can't remember what I was saying:

"The three of us stood there for a minute. I don't know what Stew was thinking, and the filing cabinet wasn't thinking anything. But I was thinking, is this the world? Is this really the place in which you ended up, Snicket? It was a question that struck me, as it might strike you, when something ridiculous was going on, or something sad. I wondered if this was really where I should be, or if there was another world someplace, less ridiculous and less sad. But I never knew the answer to that question. Perhaps I had been in another world before I was born, and did not remember it, or perhaps I would see another world when I died, which I was in no hurry to do. In the meantime, I was stuck in a police station, doing something so ridiculous it felt sad, and feeling so sad it was ridiculous. The world of the police station, the world of Stain'd-by-the-Sea and all the wrong questions I was asking, was the only world I could see."

People. I can do this all day. Literally. This is a long train ride.

OK, one more:

"The dumplings had the flavor of paradise, and the broth spread through my veins like a secret that's fun to keep."

I really like Daniel Handler. I like that he's bringing an adult novelist's chops to young adults. I like that he allows the medium to let him be funny, and satirize literary tropes, and teach vocabulary and he does it with the confidence of... like a woman selling pudding or something? I'm not as good at this is he is.

In which I divulge a secret

Hey guys, here's a thing I'm trying to fix about me. I'm sick of critiquing things negatively. I know, you're probably wondering what I even talk about anymore if I'm not telling you how much I don't like a movie I've never seen. I'm not sure what to do with myself either. Instead of tearing something apart, my new goal is to shrug and say, "eh, it wasn't for me."

That brings me to this situation. Of the books I've read recently there were a few that I really disliked. Part of the reason I didn't write for a while is how bad of a time I had reading these. Some I finished and some I didn't. Out of posterity, I'll list them and briefly explain why I wasn't into them but hey, you can read whatever you want and even love it. I'm not the boss of you. Yet.

MaddAddam

This is the third book in the MaddAddam trilogy and that should have been my first warning. I can't remember the last book I enjoyed that was billed as part of a trilogy. I literally can't. The best I can come up with is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy, which is six books. Anyway, I quite liked the first one, Oryx and Crake, but back then nobody was calling it a trilogy. I really disliked the second one, Year of the Flood, and MaddAddam totally didn't let me down in continuing what I considered a downward spiral. 

Every character I liked from the previous series is reduced to a shell in this one and the new ones are interchangeable and boring. It goes off on a tangent that I couldn't care less about and ends with everyone essentially doomed, even though I don't think that's what the author intended. 

Savages

This is the first book on the Esquire greatest books for dudes or whatever that article was called that I linked in my first post that I really hated. And man, did I want to like it. It's about two guys who run a small pot operation who get in a war with Mexican cartels. Seriously, this is so up my alley. But I didn't like the characters, didn't like the "hip" writing style, and thought the story was unrealistic and dumb.

Thanks for nothing, Esquire.

Ugh, there are a couple others that I didn't even finish and don't even want to talk about. Sorry. Ask me about them sometime.

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In which I tell you about a book and give you the proper warnings and let you figure out if you want to read it or not

Here's another book whose title will probably tell you whether you want to read the book or not. Ready? Here goes: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal.

It's rare for a book's title to so fully explain what's within the covers. It's funny, it's flippant, it's kind of sacrilegious, and it deals with Christ's (here it's Joshua) life during the gap between the Frankincense and Myrrh stuff and the Matthew, Mark, John, and Luke stuff. I haven't seen Life of Brian but it's probably kind of similar. I'm not sure if Joshua himself drops the F bomb, but most everyone else does, is what I'm saying.

Look. I warned you. The thing about this book is that it's a work of fiction and certainly acts like it. The historic foundations of it are based on research, as in Jerusalem is based on real accounts of that time period, and in that sense I think it does a good job shedding light on what the real Jesus' childhood could have been like. But it's pretty much a fantasy novel. There's a giant demon in it, is what I'm saying.

I say that to justify myself when I say that I liked this book quite a bit. It's very funny, and I like the idea that Biff acted something like a Holmes to Joshua's Watson. This might take some explaining and luckily this train ride isn't going anywhere so I'll go ahead and explain it. See, the fun thing about Watson in the Sherlock Holmes books (and also captured quite well in the BBC reboot) is that Watson has no guile. He essentially can't lie, isn't sneaky, and is optimistic and friendly and lovely. Sherlock is the sociopath who barely understand human emotion and depends on Watson to help him see the humanity in people. Watson needs Sherlock to look at things realistically.

In Lamb, Joshua's sinless life causes problems as he and Biff make their way through a perilous journey in a world that is ready to take advantage of someone who cannot lie or deceive or steal. So Biff does all that stuff for him. Biff doesn't have much in the way of moral compunctions, and essentially does all the sinning for the both of them. He understands the darkness in people where Jesus only sees the good. It's a fun dynamic that works best when the two are dealing with devious characters looking to rip them off. It's at its worse when the author spends many pages having Biff engage in all of his sexual fantasies about groups of, say, Chinese concubines and working through the entirety of the Kama Sutra.

There's also kind of a lame running gag about Biff inventing all kinds of things that we take for granted. I'm not sure if this is just a way to introduce anachronisms for the convenience of getting them from point A to point B or what, but I'm sure I've read this kind of joke before. It's not my fault if I can't remember where. I woke up at a quarter to five this morning and hey, give me a break already.

So do I recommend it? I don't know. For me I could read this as a fictional story, and the Joshua in the story is as close to the one I believe in as a religious figure as the guy named Jesus hanging out in the Home Depot parking lot. Every adventure story is essentially a messiah tale, anyway. Long story short, if you anticipate that this kind of thing would bother you, it probably will. Luckily I have some more books to recommend in the very near future.

WARNING: This blog's title is not as long as the book being reviewed's title.

Here’s the dilemma. Do I address the fact that I haven’t written on this blog in however months it’s been? Or do I just act like it’s business as usual. Actually, at this point isn’t sporadic blogging business as usual? Just go ahead and nod.

So I’ve read a lot of books. Luckily for you I’ve been keeping track. And by keeping track I mean writing down the titles and rating them based on the standard 5-star scale. It’s possible that the only thing I remember about some of these is how many stars I gave it. We’ll see.

Hey, I’ll just start from first book I read after my last blog and go from there. Awesome!

Noisy Outlaws, Unfriendly blobs, and Some Other Things That Aren’t as Scary, Maybe, Depending on How You Feel About Lost Lands, Stray Cellphones, Creatures From the Sky, Parents Who Disappear in Peru, a Man Named Lars Farf, and One Other story We Couldn't Quite Finish, So Maybe You Could Help Us Out.

That is, indeed, the title of a lovely book of short stories. It’s especially nice to start out with since I get paid by the word and that title has a lot of words (disclaimer, I do NOT get paid by the word). Right off the bat you’re either charmed by that title or annoyed.

That’s a pretty good indicator about whether you’ll like this book or not. It’s weird and clever and pretty self-aware about how weird and clever it is. If I were forced to sum it up in one sentence (because maybe I’m paid by how few words I use? Is that a thing? The internet could be running out of storage space so it might be a thing.) (Disclaimer: as far as I know, the internet is not running out of storage space, also, I am not paid by how few words I use) I would say that it’s an introduction to literary short stories for young adults.

Let me drop a couple author’s names on you. Whether you’ve heard of them or not, nod wisely and everyone around you will assume that you’re very well read. Neil Gaiman? Jon Scieszka? One Lemony Snicket? Jonathan Safron Foer? A guy named George Saunders who I admit I am not familiar with but is considered one of the great modern short story writers? There you go, just nod. Good job. Now say, “Wow, this sounds like I book I would like to read!”

Here’s a secret: it is.

Another brief description I could come up with in this hypothetical world in which this blog makes money and said remuneration coming from brevity is this: have you ever seen the crazy adventure story advertisements in old magazines for boys? Imagine if those stories had been written by people who write good stories. Then imagine if all of these stories had been compiled into a book and that book was introduced by Daniel Handler AKA Lemony Snicket and the introduction made fun of all the hacky children’s books that you read in elementary school.

My favorite story was about a monster who terrorizes a summer camp and has a very thoughtful conversation with the scout troop’s outcast. Yours might be the story of the child growing up in the smallest kingdom on earth. What do I care?

And that’s my review of Noisy outlaws, unfriendly blobs, and some other things that aren’t as scary, maybe, depending on how you feel about lost lands, stray cellphones, creatures from the sky, parents who disappear in Peru, a man named Lars Farf, and one other story [...].