Mommy Never Screams

Hey, before I get into this, do you think you could read the previous post? That'd be great. You're lovely, by the way. Like, as a person. I'm not saying from a physical standpoint, but listen, I'm not not saying that either. What I am saying, though, is that you're a good person for coming and reading my dopey blog.

A really good person. Go ahead. Pat yourself on the back. You know how you were thinking about maybe giving money to the homeless? Or making little survival kits and sending them to Haiti? You don't need to do that anymore. You've done enough. Just, you know, look in a mirror and smile at yourself and say "he's right, you know. You're something else, you."

Hey, did you know that you can get to this blog just by typing http://www.howiesbookclub.com in a web browser? It's that easy now. Bookmark it! Go tell your friends, why doncha?

Ok, back to your regularly scheduled (ha) blog.

<AHEM>

It started out completely harrowing. Then it was kind of exciting. Then it was really sad.

OK, yeah, that is my experience with playing little league sports as a kid. You got me. But that's not what I'm referring to at this point. Instead, what I'm talking about is The Bear, by Clair Cameron.

The story is told from the viewpoint of 5-year-old Anna. And the harrowing part is when her parents get eaten by a black bear.

I know. You're thinking that black bears just don't up and eat people without there being a lot of bad decisions on the part of the people. Yet in October of 1991 such a thing happened in Algonquin Park, a wilderness 200 miles north of Toronto. In that case there were no kids, but Cameron takes that story and adds two of them. They are Anna and Alex, though Alex is referred to as Sticky (because he's a two year old boy and that is the natural state of the two-year-old boy) and often just Stick. There is also Gwen, Anna's teddy bear.

Spoiler: Anna and Stick escape the bear, but then they live in the wilderness. That's the exciting part. The sad part is all of it, I guess. But especially the end.

You guys, I have a 5-year-old girl. And Clair Cameron just nails it. Forcing herself to tell the story from the random, meandering voice of a tiny child just works so well, and I thought it wouldn't. Man, I really thought it was going to just fail. And yet there I was just sitting next to this little girl and watching her and listening to her thoughts and you guys, I just wanted to hug the crap out of her.

The air is cold. I roll closer to Stick. His breath goes in my ear and it is warm. A little piece of light from the fire is having a dance on the side of the tent but only a little because it is not dark yet. There is no music except Stick's nose air and still the light flicks and rolls on the side of the tent.

She's so brave. And Stick is so cute and so annoying. And thank heavens for Gwen, you guys. Anna really needed Gwen.

Have I admitted to crying in every entry of this blog? I mean at this point it's not endearing or cute. It's just kinda, I don't know, gross?

Anyway, I cried at the end and I was on the train so yippee.

Daddy put his finger to his lips to tell me shh and picked me up with his muscles like I was a baby. Normally I'm not the baby anymore but I was snuggled on his shoulder and no one could see so it was nice to be the baby. Daddy put a blanket around us like Batman's cape, so I'd be warm. He walked out through the zip door. His chin and the whiskers were there and they would grow because he is on our holiday... He laughed a little rumble in his chest that I hear because my ear was smooshed against it and warm. He stood on the edge of the beach and I knew because I could hear the water lick at the stones and I could smell it being warm and deep too.

So watch Disney's Bears or whatever. I hear it's really cute.

A Modest Proposal that Does Not Involve Eating Babies

UPDATE: You can just read it here.

                                                                                            Source: Wikimedia Commons

Hey folks. Those who know me personally know that I do dumb stuff. Like all the time. So here's the newest dumb thing I'm thinking about doing:
What if I made a website and published my novel on it? Like a real website and not some blogger thing. It would be a 2-3 times a week update kind of thing and I'd rewrite my first draft and post it as I do.

DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT I HAVE WRITTEN A NOVEL???!?!?!?!?!

"OK," you say. "What if? Who cares? What do I have to do with this? Is this some kind of thought experiment? Why are you looking at me like we're on a desert island and picturing me as a t-bone steak or a chicken leg?

Well here's what I say in reply: what if you paid a couple of bucks?

I've lost some of you already. For those still here, here's what I figure: it would cost about $60 to host a site on which I would post this thing. Are there 30 of you who would pay $2? 20 who would pay $3? These are the kinds of questions I think about when I'm trying to go to sleep.

What if, and bear with me on this one, what if I did a Kickstarter to raise $60?

This is what such a thing would look like: I would rewrite and post the first two chapters and post it on Kickstarter with an impassioned plea similar to this one. If you like what you read, you can pitch in. If you don't: listen, we're still friends. And here's the really interesting part: if you like what you've read so far, would you share it with people who are strangers to me? Like, your cool (wealthy) Facebook and Twitter and real-life friends? Is that a thing that would happen?

Would you on your own blog tell people, "Hey dudes I've got a friend trying to do this thing?"

There are some caveats here:
Please don't agree to this out of charity.
This is a genuine request to gauge interest. If you have no intention of reading what I write but hope that I'll shut up about it on Facebook, just ask me politely to shut up about it on Facebook.

If we want to do this as a fun Kickstarter with rewards the goal would be a little more than $60
That way if I mail you something or give you a lil' present the money or I come have lunch with you it doesn't come out of hosting fees and negate the whole thing

If by some miracle a bunch of people read and like the book, I may have ads on the site.
This is something I'll have to think about. But I want to be up front with everyone right away that this is a possibility.

Here's all you have to do right now. Leave a comment on this post saying "yeah, man, let's do this." OR comment on the Facebook post saying, "Listen. I'll give your two chapters a shot. No promises, but I like your smile so I've got a couple of seconds to waste on your B.S." You don't have to commit to anything, just let me know if you're interested. Also you could private message me or text me or call me or stop me in the street and make a similar statement by using one of those methods or even something more creative like skywriting or something. Though, let's be honest, if you're going to spend that much on skywriting I'd rather you just contribute that to the Kickstarter.

Pre-teen girls with guns sounds kinda bad when I think about it

You guys, have I talked about True Grit yet?

I read it ages ago. It might have been when I was between blogs. Or maybe I've already written about it and it was brilliant and I've forgotten but you remember and you'll compare this one unfavorably. Back then I still had some passion. It was before I'd "sold out." Now I'm just catering to the masses and have lost my sense of individuality. Also you liked my drummer better then, which honestly I'm not sure what you're even talking about at this point, hypothetical reader.

You see I make up hypothetical readers because I have very little evidence of any other kind.

Anyway, the reason I want to talk about True Grit is because of One Came Home

Do you guys like it when I say I'm going to write about one book and then I talk about the other one first and then circle back to the original one? Hmm. How about you, hypothetical reader? You're on board? Good.

I just finished Amy Timberlake's One Came Home, like two hours ago, and gosh I sure liked it. If you forced me by gunpoint to rank the books I've read in the last few years I'd probably make you shoot me because I hate ranking things instead of just enjoying them and frankly I'm glad that I live in a world where all of these great things exist. I liked this book that much.

I liked True Grit a lot, too. And the reason I bring it up is because they start out very similarly. So much so, in fact, that I almost stopped reading One Came Home. I'm glad I stuck with it, though, because the two diverge in a very satisfying way within a couple chapters, and then I found myself on a journey that was equally delightful but in very different ways.

True Grit

“People do not give it credence that a fourteen-year-old girl could leave home and go off in the wintertime to avenge her father's blood but it did not seem so strange then, although I will say it did not happen every day. I was just fourteen years of age when a coward going by the name Tom Chaney shot my father down in Fort Smith, Arkansas, and robbed him of his life and his horse and $150 in cash money plus two California gold pieces that he carried in his trouser band.” 

Maybe you've seen the movie and have a pretty good idea of what we're dealing with here, and you'd be right. The dialogue, which is witty and fierce and amazing is mostly intact. What you're missing out on, though, is the extra narration Mattie Ross provides. Like this:

“As he drank, little brown drops of coffee clung to his mustache like dew. Men will live like billy goats if they are let alone.” 

And this:

"I have known some horses and a good many more pigs who I believe harbored evil intent in their hearts. I will go further and say all cats are wicked, though often useful. Who has not seen Satan in their sly faces? Some preachers will say, well, that is superstitious "claptrap." My answer is this: Preacher, go to your Bible and read Luke 8: 26-33” 

Mattie Ross might be my favorite literary character of all time if I were the type to rank things.  (Which I'm not, but she's up there with Francie Nolan.) 

If you liked the movie, read the book. If you don't like any movies, read the book. If you don't like any books and have never enjoyed a book or if you only read books about vampires or about Mormons who fall in love you should still read the book.

Oh and while you're reading books read One Came Home, why doncha?

Listen: I'm not breaking any ground comparing this to True Grit. Some goofball on Goodreads called it "True Grit for babies." I think that's stupid, myself, but I've read both of them and have blogged about neither (I think), and anyway here's another thing: Whatever.

Even on Amy Timberlake's website there is the unfortunate quote from Bookpage, "...TRUE GRIT for the middle-school set" well guess what? Good books are for everybody.

“I say let all the earth be alive and overwhelmingly so. Let the sky be pressed to bursting with wings, beaks, pumping hearts, and driving muscles. Let it be noisy. Let it make a mess. Then let me find my allotted space. Let me feel how I bump up against every other living thing on this earth. Let me learn to spin.” 

They start out similar, and at first glance, but Georgie Burkhardt is not Mattie Ross. Just compare Georgie's above statement with Mattie Ross' musings. Georgie lets herself feel things harder. She's pragmatic, sure, but she's also a 13-year-old girl. I've heard criticisms that Mattie Ross is just interesting because she's a man in a 14-year-old girl's body. I don't necessarily agree, but I think it makes Georgie interesting that she's much more in touch with her emotions and still goes ahead and does something amazing. Also she's a crack shot. Best shot in town.

Instead of heading out to avenge her father's death, Georgie's looking into the apparent murder of her sister. She's not buying it, and sets out to figure out what went wrong. It has such a wonderful intro:

"So it comes to this, I remember thinking on Wednesday, June 7, `1871. The date sticks in my mind because it was the day of my sister’s first funeral and I knew it wasn’t her last–which is why I left."

Her companion, Billy McCabe is much more companionable than "Rooster" Cogburn. And yet they manage to share pretty delightful exchanges anyway. Each taking pleasure in outsmarting the other.

Anyway guys it's a good book. Also there's some great stuff about a massive nesting of the now-extinct passenger pigeon in 1871 that serves as a backdrop to Georgie's adventure. Don't let that middle-school crap fool you. We were all 13 year old girls once, right?